Here is the original query by itself:
There were seven of them, plus an angel.
Arine shivered in the cold night air, wishing she wore something more than just a t-shirt and jeans. Her wavy blonde hair kept her shoulders and upper back warm, but otherwise didn’t help much, and it itched.
The mountain cave they’d finally found to hide in had rocks and branches and other debris strewn all around. She wished they’d been able to find something with more room, but this was the best they’d been able to find. Oh well, discomfort was a small price to pay for freedom, and the satisfaction of having rescued the angel from the stupid evil jerks at the institution.
Arine shifted her position on the cave floor, adjusting her grip on the unconscious angel in her arms, hoping to share body heat. Then she looked around to see how the others were doing.
Fiore’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth as he tried to make a fire with a couple of branches. He kept tossing his head to get his thick black hair out of his face. His deep brown eyes were narrowed, focused on his task. He’d been at it fifteen minutes already, though, and Arine was freezing.
“Hurry up with that,” she told Fiore. He shot her a bruised look. It was the same stupid sulky-hurt expression he made whenever anyone commented on his inability to wear clothes that didn’t clash horribly. But he did have a wretched sense for colors.
******
Here is the query with notes (my comments are bolded):
There were seven of them, plus an angel.
Joanna: This is a strong opening line, but who is “them”? You don’t have to say it immediately following this line, but you shouldn’t wait too long to clarify that all of them are hiding together, because it isn’t exactly clear without rereading it a few times.
Arine shivered in the cold night air, wishing she wore something more than just a t-shirt and jeans. Her wavy blonde hair kept her shoulders and upper back warm, but otherwise didn’t help much, and it itched.
Joanna: This line felt like a forced description and stopped the forward momentum immediately for me. Do we need to know that she has blonde hair at this exact moment? It’s also a little distracting because you mention that it itched, and I’m not sure why it itches, and you don’t explain it immediately. I’m assuming that it’s because she’s dirty and in a cave? But either way, all I’m thinking by line 3 is “Does she have lice?”
The mountain cave they’d finally found to hide in had rocks and branches and other debris strewn all around. She wished they’d been able to find something with more room, but this was the best they’d been able to find. Oh well, discomfort was a small price to pay for freedom, and the satisfaction of having rescued the angel from the stupid evil jerks at the institution.
Joanna: This whole paragraph is clunkier than it needs to be, and in one or two areas, a little redundant. Try combining all of the information we—the reader—need here into one strong line, or two more concise strong lines. Something like:
The cave they discovered on the mountainside was dirty and cramped, but perfect for hiding from the jerks at the institution. And discomfort was a small price to pay for freedom.
If you clarify sooner that all 8 of them are hiding, you won’t need to mention the angel again right here.
Arine shifted her position on the ground cave floor, adjusting her grip on the unconscious angel in her arms, hoping to share body heat. Then she looked around to see how the others were doing.
Joanna: That last line is very passive. You don’t need to tell us that she looked around to see how they were doing—the reader doesn’t need that prompt unless the character is doing something really out of the ordinary. Instead, just go into how they’re doing. Something like:
…hoping to share body heat. The others weren’t fairing much better.
Fiore’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth as he tried to make a fire with a couple of branches. He kept tossing his head to get his thick black hair out of his face. His deep brown eyes were narrowed, focused on his task. He’d been at it fifteen minutes already, though, and Arine was freezing.
Joanna: There is a lot of body description crammed into this paragraph. You want to have some description, of course, but keep it to just a couple things at a time. In reading this paragraph a few times, I would suggest cutting the tongue poking out the side of his mouth—it’s almost a little too comical, and it’s not as important as learning about what he looks like. You already say that he narrows his eyes, “focused on his task” which is really accomplishing the same thing as the tongue description, right? You’re trying to show us that he’s concentrating. Unless Fiore is going to be the comic-relief type. Then you might want to keep the tongue line and cut the eyes narrowing. I don’t know the story enough to really make that call.
Also adding that last part makes it seem like you’re disputing what came before it, which you really aren’t. We already know that she’s cold and attempting to get some body heat from the angel. No need to repeat it yet again here. Her dialog shows us this well enough in the next paragraph.
“Hurry up with that,” she told Fiore. He shot her a bruised look. It was the same stupid sulky-hurt expression he made whenever anyone commented on his inability to wear clothes that didn’t clash horribly. But he did have a wretched sense for colors.
Joanna: In reading this paragraph here, I can’t tell what kind of tone you’re going for with this story. Based on the first couple of paragraphs, I would say more serious. Based on this one, I would say much lighter. Are you planning on a bit more of a chick-litty type voice? Either way, the comment about the clothes feels out of place because it takes us out of the moment, which is them, hiding out in a cave, freezing, with an unconscious angel.
Joanna's Takeaway:
Overall, not a bad opening, and I probably would have read on another page or so to see if I could get a better grasp on the tone the author was going for (obviously if I've read a query, I might have had a better idea already--or maybe not--and I could see if the writer was staying consistent to that). If it continued this way, with conflicting tones and not giving us some of the information we need to keep us interested (why are they hiding out? who are they hiding from? why do they have an angel with them?), I would have probably called it quits after a page or two.
Joanna's Takeaway:
Overall, not a bad opening, and I probably would have read on another page or so to see if I could get a better grasp on the tone the author was going for (obviously if I've read a query, I might have had a better idea already--or maybe not--and I could see if the writer was staying consistent to that). If it continued this way, with conflicting tones and not giving us some of the information we need to keep us interested (why are they hiding out? who are they hiding from? why do they have an angel with them?), I would have probably called it quits after a page or two.