Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Original Pages
Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definition
like the seraphim it admired from a distance. Without a name it had no
solid form, and therefore no senses. Images and voices bounced in its
thoughts, painting a picture of their own.
It didn’t know if the other cherubim felt the same way. No one ever
talked about it, so it also kept silent. But Cherubim loved to linger
in the ethereal corridors of the creator’s heaven absorbing the
day-to-day of the angels with bodies, personalities, and genders. It
wondered what color eyes it would have. Would they be violet like
Gabriel’s or maybe sapphire blue like Michael’s? And what kind of
things would it be able to see with those eyes? Or feel with real
fingers?
“Little one.” The voice echoed in its head.
Cherubim sought out the owner, recognizing him as one of the creator’s
most powerful. Lucifer. It knew this one better than almost any. His
name struck awe and fear in any cherubim. He never interacted with
them; never gave them a reason to change their perspective.
It focused on the archangel, indicating its attention.
“I’ve seen you watching the seraphim.” His intent was difficult to read.
Was it in trouble? Cherubim tried to keep the fear at bay and failed.
“It’s all right. It’s why I’m talking to you. Would you like to be one of them?”
Really? It could have that? It would do anything for that.
Page with Suzie's Critique
Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definitionlike the seraphim it admired from a distance. Without a name it had no solid form, and therefore no senses. Images and voices bounced in its thoughts, painting a picture of their own.
Hmm...I'm a little confused and wary of this opening. What is "Cherubim"? I'm told it has no name, but it seems in this paragraph like Cheribum is its name. "Cherub" makes me think angel--as does "seraphim"--but I'm not sure why "no name" means no solid form. It's referred to as "it" and has no senses. But it has thoughts? Does it have personality? If I liked the description in the query, I would keep reading to see where this goes.
wondered what color eyes it would have. Would they be violet like
Gabriel’s or maybe sapphire blue like Michael’s? And what kind of
things would it be able to see with those eyes? Or feel with real
fingers?
The second line actually implies the first line. And the "but" doesn't work as a sentence starter because keeping silent and loving to linger don't really have much to do with each other. I'm also wary of overwritten descriptions--"the ethereal corridors of the creator's heaven" doesn't tell me anything I haven't imagined already so it doesn't do anything for me. Also how does Cherubim "absorb" anything? I do really like the speculation about the eye color. That's a detail I can grab onto. Because I can understand why something with no physical form would wonder about that. The eye color is the first detail that makes me interest in Cherubim as a being.
“Little one.” The voice echoed in its head.
"Little one" seems generic and makes me think Cherubim is five or younger. Could a voice just echo in its head?
Cherubim sought out the owner, recognizing him as one of the creator’s
most powerful. Lucifer. It knew this one better than almost any. His
name struck awe and fear in any cherubim. He never interacted with
them; never gave them a reason to change their perspective.
I'm not sure this paragraph works. Lucifer striking awe and fear into anything isn't original. And if he never interacted with any Cherubim, why is he doing so now?
It focused on the archangel, indicating its attention.
“I’ve seen you watching the seraphim.” His intent was difficult to read.
How? If Cherubim doesn't have eyes or form, how does it "watch"? And does Cherubim understand "intent"?
Was it in trouble? Cherubim tried to keep the fear at bay and failed.
“It’s all right. It’s why I’m talking to you. Would you like to be one of them?”
Really? It could have that? It would do anything for that.
My biggest problem here, is that it's hard for me to connect with something that's an "it." I have trouble seeing Cherubim as anything--at least anything based on the words here. As a result I'm picturing this:
Which I'm pretty sure isn't what the author intended. I'm also not sure if Cherubim is an amorphous blob of nothing and I'm so focused on that, that I'm finding it hard to focus on what the page actually does say.
Also, there are a lot of angel stories right now that find their way into my query folder or my inbox. From this first page, this one doesn't seem to stand out or say anything different yet.
This makes me wonder if the story is starting in the right place. Could it just start after this, when Cherubim has a name and a form and a gender (I'm not sure why that's my particular hang up)? This could always be backstory.
As it is, I wouldn't keep reading.