Genre: mystery/adventure
Original 250 Words
I was looking at beefcake, rear view. Dark hair, broad shoulders, and a perfect ass in a pair of camo-patterned pants. This had all the makings of a great fantasy.
Except for my headache.
He turned, showing off delicious pecs and fantasy-issue washboard abs. The camo pants didn’t camouflage much, and I felt a leer spread over my face.
Dark eyes met mine. He evidently liked what he saw, because he grinned and licked his lips. I pressed full-length against him and pulled him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm. I love the way you can cut to the chase in fantasy-land.
If only my head didn’t hurt so damn much. I touched the sore spot, and my fingertips showed a smear of blood. I puzzled over that for less than a second before I returned my attention to the much more interesting subject at hand. Or hands.
I ran said hands down his back and locked onto those buns of steel. We were making a creditable attempt to lick each other’s tonsils when a furious voice erupted from inches behind me.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I spun around, swearing violently as pain and adrenaline pumped through my brain.
Okay, that was weird. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a fantasy that included a short, pissed-off paramedic. The paramedic locked eyes with Beefcake. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he repeated.
Beefcake lifted a shoulder. “I’m not doing anything. She jumped me.”
*****
With Suzie's Critique
I was looking at beefcake, rear view. Dark hair, broad shoulders, and a perfect ass in a pair of camo-patterned pants. This had all the makings of a great fantasy.
It might just be me, but "beefcake" doesn't sound very sexy to me...is it supposed to? I do love the next two lines though! I was confused about whether this is a real fantasy, as in a dream or something, or if it's real...
Except for my headache.
Interesting...but headache makes me think Real Life not dream.
He turned, showing off delicious pecs and fantasy-issue washboard abs. The camo pants didn’t camouflage much
This might be nit-picky but I think it's more powerful without the "leering" because I swear I've read that in other books.
Dark eyes met mine. He evidently liked what he saw, because he grinned and licked his lips. I pressed full-length against him and pulled him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm. I love the way you can cut to the chase in fantasy-land.
Cutting to the chase in fantasy-land makes me think dream. But even if it is, how far away from him was she? I was imagining her walking down the street behind him (I know there's no textual basis for that), but wherever they are, how does she go from looking him up and down to suddenly being pressed full length against him and pulling him into a kiss. Also, pulling him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm feels cliched--that might be intentional, but it's a little bit of a turn off for the first page.
If only my head didn’t hurt so damn much. I touched the sore spot, and my fingertips showed a smear of blood. I puzzled over that for less than a second before I returned my attention to the much more interesting subject at hand. Or hands.
Again, the headache feels very Real Life to me, and I'm starting to feel unsure about what's going on.
I ran said hands down his back and locked onto those buns of steel. We were making a creditable attempt to lick each other’s tonsils when a furious voice erupted from inches behind me.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I spun around, swearing violently as pain and adrenaline pumped through my brain.
Is she spinning her whole body around or just tearing her lips away from Beefcake to see who said this? What does "swearing violently" mean? That doesn't really tell us about our character. And pain and adrenaline pumping through her brain again seems cliched--but more importantly is it from the headache (as in, is the headache getting worse) or is it from spinning around.
Okay, that was weird. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a fantasy that included a short, pissed-off paramedic. The paramedic locked eyes with Beefcake. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he repeated.
If this is a dream/vision/fantasy and the twist is that we're going to notice it now, it should be a twist, so present it as real and then Aha! it's not what we thought.
Beefcake lifted a shoulder. “I’m not doing anything. She jumped me.”
"lifted a shoulder"--like he shrugged? Don't use three words when one fits better. I definitely like this as a closing line. And though I'm confused about what's happening, I am interested so I would keep reading, but if I didn't have something to grab onto soon, I would stop. On the plus side, I think the voice works. It does sound like this MC is telling me the story--she feels real.
But I am wondering, how this is a mystery? Right now, if I didn't know the genre I'd think it was a romance. If Beefcake is a love interest or making out with random guys is going to be a problem or character trait or something reoccurring in the manuscript, this works, but if we're not going to see more of either thing...maybe it isn't the right starting point.