Here's the edited 250 words.
I was throwing away happily ever after.
I’d been with the Ericsons almost two years. They were the latest foster parents in a long string of them. But this time I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. I had a room to myself. For once I belonged somewhere. Their house wasn’t someplace I lived; it was home.
Derrick and Lisa kept hinting that the big surprise for my seventeenth birthday was them starting the adoption process. They wanted me, not just some foster kid they kept until they had their own. They wanted to make me a part of their family, forever. That didn’t happen to kids like me.
And I was running.
Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.
My records were sealed, and try as I might, I couldn’t find out who’d given birth to me. Without someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me, my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.
It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was ruining it. Figured.
****
And here they are with my thoughts:
I was throwing away happily ever after.
Love this first line!
I’d been with the Ericsons almost two years. They were the latest foster parents in a long string of them. But this time I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. I had a room to myself. For once I belonged somewhere. Their house wasn’t someplace I lived; it was home.
Derrick and Lisa kept hinting that the big surprise for my seventeenth birthday was them starting the adoption process. They wanted me, not just some foster kid they kept until they had their own. They wanted to make me a part of their family, forever. That didn’t happen to kids like me.
While I like the details in these two paragraphs (and it certainly answers a few of my previous), they're backstory and telling. This information doesn't lose me because it's concise and to the point--I'd still keep going. But it also doesn't get me really excited to keep going either. (First because it's telling, second because I've read YA novels with similar family backstory--this isn't unique enough to stand out. I want to get to the part that says THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO KEEP READING THIS STORY!") . More on this in a minute...
This is implied in the next couple paragraphs. I'm not sure its needed.
Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.
Awesome!
My records were sealed, and try as I might, I couldn’t find out who’d given birth to me. Without someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me, my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.
It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was ruining it. Figured.
Interesting. I like these details about her birth mother and it shows that she's tried something else other than just leaving. I think I would put some of the foster parent info in with these two paragraphs. So maybe it would look like this:
I was throwing away happily ever after.
Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.
Which was a problem.
My birth records were sealed, so try as I might, I couldn’t find someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me. And, even though the Ericsons, my latest foster parents, were hinting that starting the adoption process was the big surprise they were planning for my seventeenth birthday, ...[add something here about why turning furry would sort of ruin this, yeah?].
It's not like I wanted to leave. I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. But my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.
It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was still managing to ruin. Figured.
As is, I also have a much stronger sense of the voice in this version. I would keep reading to see where it goes.
Word Count: 85,000 words
Original 250 Words
I knew the first time I changed into a cougar that I had to run away from home. No, not the old lady who’s into 20-something guys kind of cougar, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat. Chicago is a terrible place to live for a girl who randomly turns into a giant cat. Which is why I was standing alone in a bus station on a Tuesday morning, about to leave behind everything I had known.
It was busier than I expected; hurried people rushed around me as I stood in the middle of the room feeling lost. My heart pounded in my ears, drowning out the crowd. I struggled to concentrate on my breathing, hoping it would slow my heart, but I couldn't calm down.
What was I doing? I was sixteen years old. I had $928 to my name, saved up from the part-time job I’d been working at Harrock’s, the grocery store down the street from my house. Running away from home was ridiculous. I’d carefully planned everything out, but as the fear flooded my veins I started to see flaws in my escape. Still, I couldn’t stay in Chicago. I’d made a mess of my life there and couldn’t fix it, no matter how I tried.
*****
With Suzie's Critique
I knew the first time I changed into a cougar that I had to run away from home. No, not the old lady who’s into 20-something guys kind of cougar, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat. Chicago is a terrible place to live for a girl who randomly turns into a giant cat. Which is why I was standing alone in a bus station on a Tuesday morning, about to leave behind everything I had known.
There's a really interesting voice here--and of course a concept that suggests a big conflict. But the wording here isn't used with as much power as it could be. For instance the first line could be tighter: The first time I changed into a cougar, I knew I had to leave home. Or condense the first two sentences: The first time I changed into a cougar--the big furry kind with pointy teeth, not the older woman looking for a younger guy--I knew I had to leave home.
But an added problem is the first line makes me question it. WHY. Why does she have to leave home? I can understand a big city isn't that great for a cougar, but how often is she changing shape? What was first experience like that she felt she had to get out of there?
Additionally, the rest of the paragraph just brings up more questions. What does "randomly" mean exactly. Does she have no control over it, is it like *poof* she's a cougar? How long has passed from the "first time" to now "Tuesday"? Is Chicago a bad place just because it's a city or is there some other reason?
If she's leaving behind everything she's ever known--what does that mean? And am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I don't--not yet. I need to know more about what she's leaving behind what the trauma of this first experience was...I'm just not connecting to her as much as I need to be.
It was busier than I expected; hurried people rushed around me as I stood in the middle of the room feeling lost. My heart pounded in my ears, drowning out the crowd. I struggled to concentrate on my breathing, hoping it would slow my heart, but I couldn't calm down.
Again, some of the writing feels like it needs to be tightened or polished so it flows more easily. I'm more interested back in that first experience than in the bus station. Also, people rushing is a generic description for a bus station--I'd love to get a detail or two to let me picture it better.
And I'm getting conflicting images. If she's "lost" and the crowd of people are rushing around her, that makes me picture her sort of aimless. If she's struggling to calm down, that makes her sound panicked.
And of course now I'm wondering where she's planning to go. If she has to leave, that's the next step, right? Logically she should decide where she's going before she leaves.
What was I doing? I was sixteen years old. I had $928 to my name, saved up from the part-time job I’d been working at Harrock’s, the grocery store down the street from my house. Running away from home was ridiculous. I’d carefully planned everything out, but as the fear flooded my veins I started to see flaws in my escape. Still, I couldn’t stay in Chicago. I’d made a mess of my life there and couldn’t fix it, no matter how I tried.
This is my first big pause. The first two paragraphs raised a lot of questions, but I was interested (and willing to keep reading) to see where this story went. For some reason, this voice doesn't sound 16 to me. I was picturing her in her early twenties. If she turned into a cougar at sixteen, where's the mention of her parents. (Was this hereditary or an injury or what?)
Also, the way the age is dropped into the story, it reads like the author wasn't sure how else to say that she was sixteen.
She says she carefully planned everything out yet I don't see any evidence of that in the earlier paragraphs--just the opposite, in fact. Is this an "escape"? I didn't get any sense of that until now, and if it is an escape, I want to know who she's escaping from. And what is the "mess" she made of her life?
I think this author has promise, but I wouldn't keep reading at this point. The main reason I'd stop is because I've read dozens (or more) of YA paranormals and specifically YA shapeshifting novels, and this just doesn't stand out to me. I need more from this character.