Original Text
Death allowed himself a small, satisfied smile as he swooped gracefully towards the small girl bleeding on the floor. A moan crawled from her lips, barely audible against the clamour of the outer parking lot. Already purpling nicely, a substantial bruise coloured the edges of her right eye, framing the split on her brow that still trickled a small amount of blood.
Parking Lot. Public toilets. Earl Street. 2.15 pm. Just a few minutes early, as usual. Funny, he thought, they don’t always say who it is when you’re on a job. Just a time and a place. Show up, you’re guaranteed a dead body.
But there she was, just the same. His favourite little escape artist, a slippery eel of a girl. His own personal Houdini of Death. A million close shaves, but never a result. Not a close shave this time, though. The blood loss was undeniable. Leaching out onto the wet surface it formed a halo of watery crimson radiating from her waist.
Running a curious finger around the ragged edges of the rips crisscrossing her stomach, he asked the most inappropriate question he could think of.
“Hey, Frankie. Have you got a light?”
"Left coat pocket," She rasped, the breaths coming hard and sharp.
"You shoulda stopped smoking years ago, you know, it'll kill ya."
He sniggered and lit a crisp Cuban.
She tried to raise her hand to flip him off, but it flopped into a pool of watery urine, over flown from the toilets.
With Suzie's Notes
Death allowed himself a
Interesting that we're in Death's perspective--and he enjoys his job! There are a few too many descriptors in the above paragraph though. Don't let those weigh you down. And the last clause "framing the split..." feels a little awkward and confusing. Also I'm not sure "girl" is the right word. The first time I read that I pictured a five year old. By the end I was thinking late teens or twenties.
Parking Lot. Public toilets. Earl Street. 2.15 pm. Just a few minutes early, as usual. Funny, he thought, they don’t always say who it is when you’re on a job. Just a time and a place. Show up, you’re guaranteed a dead body.
I like this bit of worldbuilding and characterization for Death. It's concise but it also tells us a lot.
But there she was, just the same. His favourite little escape artist, a slippery eel of a girl. His own personal Houdini of Death. A million close shaves, but never a result. Not a close shave this time, though. The blood loss was undeniable. Leaching out onto the wet surface it formed a halo of watery crimson radiating from her waist.
I like these details, but...If Dead just gets a time and a place and shows up for a guaranteed dead body, how does he know this girl and how has she escaped him? It's a minor thing, but it suggests an inconsistency or a whole in the worldbuilding right at the beginning.
Running a
Now, an important question. Is Death the protagonist of this story or no? (Obviously were this a query, I'd probably know). I'm a little creeped out about him running a finger around the rips of her stomach, and I don't want my protagonist to creep me out like that. But if I'm supposed to be creeped out, good job! I do like that he asks an inappropriate question, and I love that she answers anyway.
And again, I crossed out some extra words. This is me being very nitpicky, and it doesn't matter too much, but you don't want to say something in ten words when you can say it just as well in five.
“Hey, Frankie. Have you got a light?”
"Left coat pocket," She rasped, the breaths coming hard and sharp.
"You shoulda stopped smoking years ago, you know, it'll kill ya."
He sniggered and lit a crisp Cuban.
She tried to raise her hand to flip him off, but it flopped into a pool of watery urine, over flown from the toilets.
Awful image (but good) to close this section. What a way to leave me hanging! Based on this, I'm intrigued and would keep reading to see where this goes. I am wondering if she's inside or outside. The stress on the parking lot earlier had made me think outside. If she's inside, maybe just say Public toilets. Earl Street. Also, you use "watery" twice in this section, and one of them should go.